Tales from the Olive Garden: Part 4 – The Birthday Song

Oh, God – that stupid birthday song. Do they still even do that any more? For the sake of anyone working there today I sincerely hope not.

Nothing was more degrading than having to round up your fellow depressed waiters and beg them to help you sing a lame song to some lame customers that 90% of the time just want the free cake and don’t even really have a birthday. They knew it. We knew it. But, we did it anyway, God help us.

The first place I really remember them singing you a birthday song was the Farrel’s Ice Cream when I was a kid. They’d bring out some ginormous ice cream confection with a bunch of sparklers all over it and sing you a silly song for your birthday. Frankly, it used to scare the hell out of me when I was small. I was terrified of sparklers for the longest time and having one in my face for 5 minutes wasn’t exactly my cup of tea. This probably has something to do with why I don’t like ice cream.

Then in the 80s when I was in college, they started doing the group birthday song at Bennigan’s. This was way back when Bennigan’s was hip and cool, so other chains began to follow suit. I guess the geniuses at Olive Garden Corporate Headquarters must have thought that no chain restaurant would be complete without the requisite birthday song. So, they put their Marketing Genius Hats on and came up with this ditty:

THE OLIVE GARDEN BIRTHDAY SONG
(Sing while clapping loudly with group of degraded waiters and acting excited or else.)

From the pasta we make
To lasagna we bake
Ba ba ba ba
We’re wising you a happy birthday!

We hope you will remember
This fond event forever
We’re wishing you a happy birthday!

It’s like family and friends
At the Olive Garden
In the true Italiano way
Hey! Hey!

So if youre looking for some fun
Try Hospitaliano
Have a happy happy day
Hey!

Yeah – it really doesn’t make much sense, does it? Unfortunately, it’s seared into my brain like my address or phone number. I must have sang this 200 times while I worked there. Now, I am sure that the song they sing today at the Olive Garden is probably different from this one. Someone at Corporate must have noticed how lame this song is by now, right?

Click here for Part Three

Click here for Part Five

Log Roast for the Holidays

I guess it’s officially the holiday season (Well, Walgreens put out their holiday decorations the day after Halloween, but I digress…) so I thought I’d post a nice holiday meal for you all out there – the lovely Venison Log Pot Roast.  It’s the perfect meal for those of you with pica!

 I’d like mine well done, please – with a side of sawdust.

Make My Logo BIGGER Dammit!

As every graphic designer knows, dealing with clients is not the easiest thing. They seem to think that because they are paying you, they should supersede your expertise with their detrimental ideas. (See my previous post regarding this fun subject.) However, a friend and fellow graphic designer sent me this great new product made for just those occasions when you think that your designer isn’t doing what you’re paying them good money for! It’s called Make-My-Logo-Bigger Cream.

This company has all sorts of great products to get that awesome design you know you want, but your obstinate designer is fighting against. Check it out!!!

(Thanks, Dan.)

Enough with the @#$!%#! Grocery Store Entrance Fundraisers

 

Am I the only person who is completely sick of the people hanging out at the front of the grocery store soliciting money for every conceivable charitable function?  I mean, once in awhile is OK – but it seems more and more that every fucking time I go to the store, there is someone blocking my way in or out with a can and a story.  I just want to go in, get my bottle of rum and get the hell home already.

It seems that these solicitation stories fall under one of three categories: 

The Shady M&M Guys

 What is up with those M&M guys?  First off, it never seems to be for anything specific.  It’s just, “Hey… wanna buy some M&Ms?”  Why am I buying M&Ms at a 200% markup from you for when I can get them inside?  Why are they always Peanut M&Ms?   Where did you come from?  Why do you scare me?  Somehow I think that a giant ship container full of Peanut M&Ms was stolen sometime in 1987  and they are still making the rounds today.

Local High School Fundraiser

This is what I was subjected to yesterday. Sullen teens with gum (usually girls for some reason) stand outside the door and act completely bored while explaining what lame cause they are involved in. It’s usually something ridiculously small (new paint for the girl’s locker room) or way too big (world hunger!) .  I always get the feeling that this is some sort of punishment for talking in class or something rather than concerned young people doing good in the community.  I guess that’s the cynic in me, but I bet if you asked one of them what Darfur was, they would think it was a pair of $250 jeans or something.

 Old School

This category covers your Rotary Club spaghetti dinners, Salvation Army bell-ringers, Lion’s Club pancake breakfasts, Girl Scout Cookies, Firemen with the big boots, Greenpeace, people running for local office, those weird Asian ladies with the nurses’ uniforms (what the hell is that one, anyway?) etc. etc.  It’s not that I have a problem with these types of charities, but more that it seems they are there a lot more often than I remember in the past.  It’s almost as if they all have a Master Calendar that lists what charity can work what Jewel on what date.  Imagine the awkwardness if the Lion’s Club was there there the same day as the Purple Heart Veterans?

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t mean to dis any one charity, or those that volunteer their time and energy to such causes, but there are other ways to raise money and/or awareness than to accost me at the store.  Especially when it’s every single fucking day.

OK, yes, I give them money.  What do you think I am… an asshole? 

 

May I Offer an Alternative to Turkey?

In honor of Thanksgiving this week, may I suggest something new and different? How about the beautiful Glazed Ham Loaf in Ring. With hot tea and succotash, what could be more festive?

First, take cooked canned ham and chop finely. Then, add spices, egg, pimento, green pepper, pineapple chunks and bread crumbs. Mix well and press into a 10″ ring pan. Then, bake at…

Oh hell, why not just open a can of Spam and dump it on a plate for God’s sake… it’s the same thing!