Why is Everyone So Skinny?

Seriously – what is up with these super skinny chicks? Nicole Richie looks like a concentration camp victim. Yes, we all know that we can look great at 18 when you can eat whatever you want and never gain a pound. But even then, no one looked like these sickening starvos. And, what was I wearing when I was 18 and weighed 110 (it still says that on my driver’s license, BTW)? Rent the movie “About Last Night” and see the wonderful oversized XXL clothing we were all wearing in 1986. Cooooooooooool.

(I tried to Google some pix from the movie to illustrate the point, but even Google must have banned the pictures for bad taste… none to be had.)

Halloween!

Thanks to everyone that came to our Halloween party this weekend. It was a blast. Carl was our Last Official Guest – thanks for the clean up help! happy Halloween to everyone – my favorite holiday.

Sorry in Advance to all my “Mommy” Friends Out There

I know I am going to perhaps insult some of you out there since almost all my good friends are mommies these days, but I just have to say it: IT IS NOT CUTE WHEN YOUR CHILD ANSWERS THE PHONE.

We have things to do, we are busy. When we call we want to talk to you. I love your kids, they are awsome, brilliant, entertaining beings, but I don’t want to have a conversation with them on the phone. First of all, they don’t know who I am. I am not family and I do not see them often, so it’s not like talking to Grandma or Aunt Lulu who lives down the street. Second, most of the offenders in this category have children that can barely talk let alone carry on any sort of coherent conversation. These annoying “Hi is your mommy there?” moments should not last more than 10 seconds for me, let alone 3 minutes. Third, even if they do talk, I can’ t understand them, so the point is futile. I don’t spend 24/7 with them and understand their foreign language, so even if you do understand what they are talking about, I don’t.

Also, while we are on the subject:

– Please take your two year old off the voice mail message.

– Your newborn should not be in the voice mail options – she is not getting messages at 6 months old (“You’ve reached Janie, Robert and BeeBoo, please leave a message…”)

– Please stop sending me thank you cards that you wrote while pretending to be your child. Your child is not writing his own thank you notes at 2 1/2 and he did not pick out that stationary with his name on it.

Again, sorry if I offended any of you. I still love you all, and (most of) your children!

Things My Dog Has Eaten

I have an 8 year old yellow Lab, Quimby. Overall, he is a good dog, but as anyone with a lab will tell you, he’s fixated on filling up his stomach with anything (and I mean anything) available to him. He seems to be getting worse as he gets older. Mind you, I never catch him in the act – I only see the evidence later. Here is a partial list of things he has eaten in the past few months or so…

Two packages of hot dog buns (all at once!)
Rotten apples from the yard
Tomatoes off the vine
Cat food cans (he chews them like gum and then spits them out)
Hot rolls from the oven (3 out of 4)
Pack of cigarettes (!)
Package of coffee cake
Rotten banannas (too rotten for bananna bread)
Raw lamb chop
Charcoal briquette
Tin foil (had a pork roast in it at one time)
Large french baguette
Box of Frango Mints (wrapped for a present)
Chex Mix
Miscellaneous garbage
Pizza box
Cat litter
Half a pizza during a child’s pizza party
Multiple packages of Vitamin B12 Powder
Bird seed
Half a quiche
Stawberry tops
Grape stems
Celery (?)
Protein powder
One LB of wasabi peas
2 pies (including tins)
Lighter (!)
Multiple bags of chips
Entire box of bisquick (that one actually made him sick)
Entire tray of Grandma’s special Christmas cookies
Italian takeout
Box of English toffee
Few slices of deep dish pizza (we do live in Chicago, you know)
Bag of chocolate chip cookies
Grease drips as they come out the smoker
23 rolls after our Halloween party (NEW 10/28)
Entire loaf of homemade banana bread ( NEW 2/28)
Two packages of Rice Cakes (NEW 4/5)
Pizza Box, only circle where pizza was (NEW 6/2)
Rotten vegetables and corn husks (This one made him sick) (NEW 10/12)
Vegetable crepe from takeout box (NEW 5/6)
Large Box of Malted Milk Balls (NEW 8/7)

I will add to this list as he adds to his shame. Good thing he has a goat stomach – he hardly ever gets sick.