New Year’s Resolutions

It’s that time of year again! Do you know that last year was the first time ever I have kept a New Year’s Resolution for the entire year? Do you want to know what it was? I resolved to keep every dental appointment I had scheduled without canceling or rescheduling. Yes, that was it. Well, I have a problem with the dentist and I wanted to try and change it. Actually, I hate the dentist. More than anything. One time I faked having the stomach flu to get out of my appointment and didn’t go back for 5 years.

It started with my childhood dentist, who really was a total sarcastic asshole. My parents loved him (probably because they enjoyed the fact that he tortured me) and never listened to my numerous complaints about him. He used to have these flash-card type things that he would give you that said things like, “Stop, that hurts” or, “I don’t like that.” and you were supposed to flash him the card in case something was going on that you wanted to communicate and couldn’t talk. So, after years of putting up with his pain crap, he finally did something that I really didn’t like and I found the card that said, “Let’s take a break” and I flash it to him. He looks at it and then looks at his dental assistant and says, “Gee! I wish I could read that – I don’t have my glasses!” laughs, and continues with his sadism. I was 12. It didn’t help that I also had to have big fat metal braces for five years, along with the fun of a dorky headgear and painful “elastics.” (Do they even have those any more?)

So, after many years of not going to the dentist, I finally went to a guy they call Dr. Sleepytime. He’s still a dentist, so I don’t really like him very much, but he does give good painkillers and actually puts you to sleep for long procedures. So, I guess he’s the least offensive of the worst profession I can think of. Everyone asks me if I worry that he might molest me or something while I’m under the sleepytime drugs. My answer is go right ahead – as long as I don’t feel anything while doing the dental work, molest away! (No, really, they address those types of things right up front. All the exam rooms are open like little cubicles so anyone walking by can see everything that’s going on, and you are never alone in the room. But, I digress.) The good news is that I have been going to him steady for four years now, and didn’t miss one appointment last year! Hooray for me.

This year I am going to try to take my stupid vitamins every day. I hate vitamins almost as much as I hate the dentist, but I have to admit they do you good. My husband has been a big vitamin guy since his 20s and I swear to God the guy is never sick. I’ve been with him for a long time now and he has been sick in bed once while I am sick in bed at least once a quarter. So, I want to get on the bandwagon. Wish me luck!

Oh yeah – and a big fuck you to my old childhood dentist, Dr. D!  You know who you are.

2 thoughts on “New Year’s Resolutions

  1. it might be an urban legend, but I think i read that dentists have the highest rate of suicide of any profession. Seems they’re depressed that so many people hate them….of course, that doesn’t seem to affect people in the legal profession, speaking of which, here’s a gratuitious lawyer joke for your reading pleasure:

    The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
    city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer
    a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by
    saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two
    million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like
    to give something back to your community through the United Way ?”

    The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, First, did your research also
    show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and
    she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh… no, I didn’t know that.”

    Secondly,” says the lawyer, “my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind
    and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six
    children.”

    The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
    again.

    Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died
    in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
    children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
    disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?”

    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry, I
    had no idea.”

    And the lawyer says, “So…if I didn’t give any money to them, what
    makes you think I’d give any to you?”

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