Steak & Blowjob Day – March 14

In honor of Steak & Blowjob Day that is March 14
(A guys Valentine’s Day, if you will – Google it)

Also, thank you to my special friend (who shall remain nameless) and her husband who sent us a box of Omaha Steaks this week for this express purpose.

The Xerox Trade-Up Program Sucks

We’ll be taking a break from my cookbook fascination for this public service announcement:

The Xerox Trade-Up Program sucks the big one. I recently bought a new printer from Xerox for my business after much research and comparison of products. I chose Xerox because they had a nice 4-color true Postscript 3 printer that can print on tabloid size paper. This printer wasn’t cheap – it ran me about $4,000 – but the clincher for me was the exciting Trade-Up Program they offered. This program claimed that Xerox would presonally take away my old behemoth printer, (An old Ricoh that weighed over 90lbs) deliver my new printer, and pay me a hefty rebate at the same time! What could be easier? Fucking quantum physics, that’s what!

I buy the Xerox online – that was the easy part. I order it right after Thanksgiving. It took about two weeks to get delivered. I have to have a receipt from the new purchase to qualify for the Trade-Up program. So, I send in a form through the website with my proof of purchase and information about my old printer. A week later I get an email from the “third party” that will be handling the pickup of the old printer and the rebate. This note spells out all the rules and regulations I must follow exactly to receive my rebate check. It’s four pages long. I have exactly 30 days from the purchase of the printer to schedule a pickup. Well, since I couldn’t use the new printer until it showed up, that was two weeks that went by – and since it was a week after that that I received this email I now realize I have one week to get the old gal packed up and picked up or my rebate is void. It’s Christmas week – my deadline is Christmas Eve. Not that I’m busy or anything. I send an email asking for an extension – I am denied.

I persevere. I pack up the heavy fucker in the box that the new printer came in, taking the toxic powder cartridges out one at a time and wrapping them in plastic as I am told. (This took three phone calls to Ricoh support since these were built for technicians to service, not idiots like me – so taking the cartridges out was actually quite complicated. I have to say the Ricoh Help Line was very nice, considering it was Christmas week and I was basically dumping their product.) I schedule a pickup from a burly truck driver on Christmas Eve who has to back his semi down my steep driveway. He is not happy. And then I wait.

And I wait. And I wait. Christmas comes and goes. The new year begins. I travel to Las Vegas, Cabo San Lucas, New York, Denver, and the Dominican Rebpublic. The Bears lose the Super Bowl. My husband has a birthday. I eat sushi for Valentine’s Day. It’s February, then March. Where is my check? Did they get the old printer? Did I not follow the directions? I send emails. I hear nothing. I send more emails.

Ah! Wait! A cryptic response! They have not received my printer yet and then they will have to “inspect” it. They say sometimes it takes up to three months for them to receive the printer from the delivery company. WTF? Three months? What is this, 1814? I think the gold rush settlers could get from New England to California faster than that. So, I wait. And I wait. Then I send more emails. They are ignored. Oh, except that they have finally done their magical calculations and have figured out what the amount of my rebate will be. After they receive the printer and “inspect” it. Yes, folks, for all that work (you try packing a 90lb 24×24 printer by yourself, asshole!) and waiting – my grand total will be: $75!

I let you know when I get it.

UPDATE: 4/12/07

I got the check today. I’m $75 richer about five months later. What should I buy?