An Open Letter to My Dog

Getting ready to bark...

Dear Quimby,

I know you’re older now… they told me at the vet that you are officially considered a senior citizen! But, I think in your small Lab brain, this makes you think that you can do whatever the hell you want. Remember the rules? You were such a total bad puppy, then one day you woke up and for awhile you’ve been the perfect dog. (Well, maybe not perfect, but certainly better than your puppy days.) You know I love you, but frankly, you’re slipping. Maybe it’s time for a refresher:

1. No sitting on the couch. But why is it when I come home each day it is covered in yellow dog hair?
2. No stealing food off the counter. Why when I leave the room for a second, things are missing from the counter never to be seen again?
3. No barking! Geez – will you SHUT UP? That damn school bus drives by every day! So do trucks, airplanes, mail delivery, UPS and FedEx. You are driving me crazy.
4. No stealing food out of the pantry. I can’t believe you ate that entire package of maple rice cakes. They weren’t that good.
5. No getting in the garbage. You are a suburban full bred yellow lab. You are not “Tramp” living in the alley behind The Vic. You don’t need to get into the garbage and eat rotten bananas.

This isn’t too much to ask, is it? Let’s work together so your golden years can be the best they can be and so I don’t kill you before your time.

Now, how ’bout a Greenie???

Love, Me

4 thoughts on “An Open Letter to My Dog

  1. Perhaps his relaps of good behavior stems from tramatic experiences as a puppy???

    Question-
    1: Does he shiver when bald men wearing glasses enter the room?
    2: Does Quimby seem at unease when remditions of “Stary, Starry Night” is played on acoustic guitar and sung aloud?
    3: Is the trash can ravished shortly after a group of overweight bald guys ride by in their under-sized lycra biking shorts??

    I think you may be a little too harsh on your canine friend Tif… Quim might be having flashbacks to a very unsavory time in his past. Take it easy on him.

  2. from Q to T:

    you are a nice lady. you smell good and you keep the garbage filled with good things to eat and roll around in. thank you.

    i love the sound of your voice, although i don’t know what “blah blah blah” means. You seem to say that a lot, especially when i’m relaxing on the couch. Maybe “quimby blah blah blah” means I should go check out the new treats you left in the garbage?

    Not criticizing, but i don’t think the postman, the ups, the fex ex man can hear you when you yell “quimby, blah blah blah, quimby.” You should try barking like I do, then they’re sure to hear you.

    Finally, thanks for those special treats you leave on the counter. In the future, maybe you could just put them on the couch and make it easier for both of us?

    With undying affection…..Q

  3. dmonkey

    Wow – that’s kind of cold, isn’t it???? 🙂

    Also, if I’m not mistaken, I remember a certain someone who enjoyed screeching “Losing My Religion” acoustically on stage at Schuba’s along with said bald guy? This, somehow, gives me flashbacks that make me shudder.

  4. mistaken for sure! never screeched a word- that would be bald guys job. i was too busy trying not to throw up from the shots.

    …and it was “Closer to Fine” btw. Man, I do miss the salad days.

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