I think I’ve figured out that anytime they use the word “Crown” in a vintage recipe, it’s code for “Disgusting.” (See previous entry on the Frankfurter Crown.)
This time we have the lovely Crown Roast Dinner from my old favorite 1953 Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook. A better name for this would be Glistening Crown of Spam because, yes, that is 4 blocks of Spam making up the crown. And not just any old Spam – oh no! This is Spam that has been glazed with Orange Marmalade and baked for glistening goodness! Then, you arrange the crown around some boiled canned potatoes, frozen asparagus, mayonnaise (of course), canned pineapples and strawberries! Now there’s an interesting combination.
I don’t understand the fascination with canned and frozen products in the 50s. Did they not have anything fresh? Or was it just the ease of preperation for the Happy Housewife, zoned out on dexies all day, needing something quick and easy to satisfy her hungry man when he gets home? In any case, I can’t imagine that this would taste good – even if you did have a couple martinis beforehand.
And it hasn’t been all flowers and sunshine getting it to work, either. But, it is about the coolest little device I have ever seen.
I had to upgrade OS X on my Mac to work with the right version of iTunes, so I had to buy $150 in software upgrades. And now that I have upgraded to Tiger, I’m having some weird problems that I wasn’t having before happen on my computer – but that’s for another day. I finally got it to recognize the phone, and voila! It took about 3 minutes to be up and running. Now my problem seems to be that I can’t charge it properly – something I am looking into. So far my experience hasn’t been flawless, but it has been worth it just to play with it!
So I was on a month-long bender because we were in the Virgin Islands for 3 weeks, came home for a wedding that was on 7/7/07, then turned around and went to Rehoboth Beach, Deleware for our anniversary on 7/11. By the time we got home, I think my liver had actually started to hurt. It’s probably not a good sign when you can feel your liver hurting. OK, I didn’t feel it hurting, but I was definitely hurting. I am too old to be partying for a month – that much is clear. So, we decide to shape up and go on the wagon for a couple of weeks as well as eat well and try and exercise more. Hooray for clean living!
Well, here I am starting week #2 and basically being on the wagon sucks. I’ve never been so crabby. Maybe it’s easier in the wintertime when you’re basically a hermit for four months, but during the summer everything is condusive to a drink or two. Golfing = beers. Neighborhood Fesitval = beers. Dining al fresco = wine. Baseball Game = beers. Summer Party = cocktails. We have had to go to all of the above since committing to The Wagon. It sucks!
I actually tried an O’Douls at dinner the other night. It didn’t taste too bad, but what’s the point? Nobody drinks beer because it tastes great… Remember the first time you had a sip of beer as a child? It’s definitely an acquired taste. If you couldn’t get a buzz off a beer I doubt that it would be around today. But, I digress.
The longest I was on the wagon before was a few years ago when we decided to do 30 days. We made it to day #28 and made the mistake of going to the horse track. About halfway through the day, we both looked at eachother and headed to the bar. If there’s anything that facilitates drinking more than betting, I sure as hell don’t know what it is.
So, next week we can go off the wagon, with moderation of course. Hopefully my insides will have had a rest and my brain cells have fired back up. At least I can say I did it, right?
I think I have found the creme de la creme of the vintage recipes. How can I ever find one to top this one in both repulsivesness and straight out scariness?
The centerpiece of this lovely appetizer spread in my 1953 Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook is a Liver Sausage Pineapple. Yes, it is one pound of liver sausage with lemon juice, worcestershire sauce and mayonnaise shaped like a pineapple. The lovely yellow coating on the outside is made out of unflavored gelatin and mayonnaise. You “frost it” with the jello mayo, score it, and stick little olive slices all over it. The recipe says to top “with a real pineapple top for fun!” They also helpfully mention that you should serve hot coffee with this whole spread! Nothing goes better with liver sausage and deviled eggs than a boiling cup of hot coffee! Mmmm mmmm!
Frankly, I am speechless with this one. I guess since it is 1953 and Hawaii statehood was a hot topic, maybe this is a special way of honoring the territory (and maybe tipped the scales to accept statehood?) All I know is this has to taste like a can of Alpo with olive bits.
Okay, I’ve had my cell phone number for something like 15 years now, and over that time my cellular companies have changed hands from Cellular One , AT&T Wireless, Cingular and now back to The “New” AT&T. So, I’m on vacation in the Virgin Islands and I lose my phone. I honestly didn’t even notice it was missing until the day before we went home, because the cell service is spotty at best and being on vacation condusive to making phone calls. I don’t think much about it. Big mistake.
I get home and call AT&T to suspend the phone pending my getting a new phone. Then I get my bill. Turns out some fucker stole my phone and had it for 7 days before I called it in! He must have been from Dominica and is a total fucking asshole because not only did he call all his pals in Dominica, but also downloaded a lot of fun stuff like “Wild Pillowfight Girls” and “Miami Nights: Singles in Heat”. To the tune of $450.00. Who the hell watches soft core porn on a RAZR? I guess some idiot from Dominica does.
So, I figure that it’s like a credit card – because the phone was obviously stolen I’m not liable for the fraudulent charges, right? Not according the the “New” AT&T! I call Customer Service where they tell me that because I didn’t call it in for the week I didn’t know it was missing, I have to pay all of the $450! WTF? I use my credit card analogy where the most you are ever liable for is $50, but I got the old CSR scripted answer that they were very sorry I felt this way but there was nothing they could do. I calmly explained that it really wasn’t fair since it is obvious from my 15 years of records that not only have I never called Dominica, (where everything after the 30th was only to Dominica) but also I have never used their handy “Direct Bill” feature to download anything, let alone “Centerspread Girls 3” It’s obviosuly fraud, but they couldn’t have cared less. At one point the CSR practiacally accused me of lying to get out of the charges!
Eventually, by keeping calm (harder to do than it sounds) and telling her that I was now going to switch providers because this policy, I wore her down enough to agreee to take 1/3 off the bill. This means I still get to pay $300 out of my own pocket becasue Mr Dominica needed jerk off on my 3.5 x 2.5 sceen for free. And AT&T sucks.
The good news? I got to order my iPhone! And I’ve gotten some jollies out of calling the numbers on my bill and saying, “Usted tiene un amigo que sea ladrón. Él robó mi teléfono y es un asshole. Vete a la mierda!” The bad news – I have to stick with AT&T since they are the only providers for the iPhone until 2009 or something. But, AT&T still sucks in my book.
FUCK YOU NEW AT&T!
In the past, I’ve only used my powers of Photoshopping for good. Embarassing friends and family, making myself look better in pictures, making invitations for bridal showers, etc. I am especially good at Photoshopping people’s heads onto other people’s bodies – it’s kind of my specialty. So, I think I found my new calling – I want to “clean up” celebrity cover shots for national magazine covers. I mean, we all kind of know that they fix flaws and do special makeup and lighting to make the subject look their best – but this example from jezebel.com shows you how much they actually “fix.” It doesn’t even look like the same person!
In the above example of Faith Hill – they Photoshopped 11 major things, including making her arms about 50% of original size, gave her more hair, wiped out all wrinkles, took out moles, got rid of her other hand, shaved her ass and stomach off, thinned her nose and cheeks, got rid of her back fat and even smoothed her clavicle out! WTF – who cares about a fucking clavicle????
The ironic thing is that Redbook is sort of known for being “natural” and “realistic”, at least as far as the girlie mags go. Faith Hill is the same age as me – so it is kind of depressing, actually.
Read the full story here at jezebel.com.
Ahhh, yes – the regal Frankfurter Crown! Passed down from generations of Disgusting Casseroles! What, you may ask, is that creamy white center made out of? How about cream of chicken soup, green beans, bacon, milk, potatoes and onion? Our helpful friends at the Casserole Card Company suggest the perfect menu including the Frankfurter Crown:
Mmmmmmm…. Perfect for a baby shower!
Okay, this made me laugh today. Plus, it involves Photoshopping people’s heads on to other people’s bodies – something I am particularly fond of.
What if the stars were just normal people like the rest of us? Well, leave it to TMZ.com and some clever Photoshopping to find out. Click here to see the entire slide show. You’ll be glad you did, trust me.