Tales from the Olive Garden: Part Three – Lick Your Plate Clean


So, the more time I spend at the Olive Garden the more I realize that the general public are total jag-offs. This meant, unfortunately, that it became necessary to keep my sanity by doing things to perhaps punish the offenders in some small way to make myself feel better. We call it retaliation, and honestly, you had to do a lot to get it – but you will get it if you deserve it. So, those of you out there who have to constantly berate your servers to impress your date, make yourself feel important, or just be an asshole can be rest assured that you have been retaliated against in some way, whether it be a Denny’s or a four-star fine dining establishment. You really should think twice before you decide to be a jerk.

I have to say, with all the daily abuse I put up with, I couldn’t bring myself to do some of the things that my coworkers did, although I’ll tell you, some of them totally deserved it. (One of the worst retaliations involved something called the “Humby Special” which I’ll have leave up to your imagination.) Me? I used to lick the plates.

Yes, when someone was being extra rude to me, I used to lick their salad plates. You know, the small chilled ones that they use for the first course of addicting unlimited Olive Garden salad? Nothing major – just a couple of quick licks around the middle before I bring them out. Childish? Yes. Am I proud of it? No. Did it make me feel better?

You bet.

Click here for Part 4

Click here for Part 2

3 thoughts on “Tales from the Olive Garden: Part Three – Lick Your Plate Clean

  1. Hee hee….one of those things you try not to think about.

    I’m reminded of this SNL skit with Dana Carvey playing an angel. I don’t remember who the guest host was, but he was playing the part of a guy who had just died and arrived in heaven. The angel (Dana) is showing him around heaven, teaching him the ropes, etc. The dead guy starts posing questions (“did Sally Rottencrotch have a crush on me in 7th grade” etc.), and of course the angel knows the truth because he’s an angel. They get to the topic of food, and for some reason, the dead guy asks Dana “what’s the WORST thing I’ve ever eaten?” Dana says, “you don’t want to know.” The guy “no really…tell me.” Dana, “I can’t, you couldn’t take it…”
    Anyway, they go back and forth for a while, and finally the guys asks “ok, what was the 245th worst thing I ever ate?” and the angel replies something like “oh, that would have been a little square of mouse fur packed in a chili can, but you were too hung over at the time to notice.”
    (I apologize to any SNL afficianados if I got some of the details wrong, but that’s the gist). Pretty funny.

  2. For some reason I vividly remember this one. The guest was John Laroquette (night court). It was the 7th most discusting thing and it was… an earwig in butterscotch pudding.
    random memory there.

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