Why Yes, I am Going to Blow Up the Plane with Mushrooms.


What you are seeing above is a threat to national security according to the dumb-asses at the TSA.  Yes, it is a bottle of duxelles, otherwise known as chopped mushrooms.  I bought some in Napa over the weekend while “celebrating”(?) turning 40 with some friends.  I was thinking about making a Beef Wellington for Christmas Eve this year, and these duxelles were really good.  So, when it came time to go to the airport, we were packing stuff for the checked bags and I thought to myself:

Let’s see… the ever-changing Rules are no liquids or gels over 3 oz.  

Is this a gel?  No.  

Is this a liquid?  No – it’s mushrooms.  

And, it’s sealed and wrapped.  No problem, right?

Uh, wrong.

The screener asked me what was in the bag in my purse and I told him mushrooms.  He looked puzzled and then said, “I don’t think you can take that on board.”  I pointed out that it was chopped mushrooms, not liquid as you can’t drink chopped mushrooms.  You eat chopped mushrooms.  He still looked confused and then takes them out of the bag.  “I thought you said these were mushrooms,” He says, “This says Duxelles!” – – like the word “duxelles” is French for “bomb material” – –  and he’s caught me in my web of lies. 

I try to explain that duxelles are just chopped mushrooms with spices and shallots, etc., but he is getting disinterested with my cooking lesson in the middle of the screening line.  I continue to press my case that this is not a liquid and should be allowed on board.  He eventually kind of half-agrees with me and calls over his Supervisor, who can give me a waiver.  He takes one look at the jars and says “nope” and walks away without even looking at them.

Now I’m kind of getting pissed, but I know there is nothing I can do.  The supervisor was the only guy that could save my duxelles and so they throw them into the garbage right in front of me.  The original screener looks sheepish as he hands me the empty bag.  “It’s the rules,” He says, “Anything that you can smear is considered a liquid.”  

Huh?  WTF?????

This is such bullshit!  These so-called “rules” are based in absolute randomness that make no fucking sense, and everyone knows it.   They know it, we know it.  But, we all play along with the idiocy because it makes us feel “safe.”  Ha!  What a fucking joke.

Well – rest assured – they confiscated my mushrooms, so we are a safe society once again!  Long live the TSA and their totally ridiculous bullshit!

Fuckers.

6 thoughts on “Why Yes, I am Going to Blow Up the Plane with Mushrooms.

  1. maybe you shoulda hid the jar under yer burka?

    Bogus that you lost out on your nice “duxelles,” but at least you fought the temptation to rave out and and start screaming “don’t tase me bro….”

  2. My baby’s food and water were confiscated at the TSA in Denver . His reasoning? It wasn’t special “baby water”. WTF?! I made a formal complaint to the TSA when I got home and actually conversed with a manager and got an apology. Didn’t change the fact that my sick baby didn’t have anything to eat or drink and I had to go shell $$ out of my wallet once inside security.

  3. WTF is “baby water?” Granted, I don’t have children, but don’ they drink same water as the rest of us????

    They are a bunch of morons.

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