Quick ‘N Lazy!

Okay, okay… I know I’ve been a little slack on the blogging as of late.  It’s just that I’ve been a little busy lately with work and also getting ready for a big Halloween party this weekend.  But, I realized that just because I’m busy, I should not use that as an excuse to let all three of my fans down!

So, in keeping with the topic at hand, please enjoy the cover of the Good Housekeeping Quick ‘N Easy Cookbook from 1958.  It says right on the cover that it is “Time-Saver Dishes for Today’s Busy Woman” – and boy, those ladies must have been really fucking busy to make some of the crap in this book.

Take, for instance, the “Can Opener Minestrone” on page 9 that is basically canned vegetable soup mixed with canned chicken noodle soup with parsley, garlic and a can of kidney beans.  What does this take, five minutes to make?  I would be pissed if I was away downtown working all day making a living for my lazy-ass wife who throws three cans of shit together in two minutes and serves it to me for dinner!  WTF, June Cleaver?

I also love the cover photograph – I guess the art director was one of those busy, busy people who didn’t have time to select a proper photograph for this booklet because he had to get to the store and buy canned goods so his wife could make her famous minestrone soup.  This looks like something strawberry Shortcake did after eating a McDonald’s Hash Brown and three coffees on the expressway. (You know what I’m talking about…)  And, if you’re too busy not to be stupid, there are not one, but two props relating to the concept of time just in case you didn’t get it.  

Brilliant.

Thanks to my other sister in law for the new addition to the collection!

Airport Bars of the World: ORD

CHICAGO, Illinois, USA – O’Hare International Airport
Galileo Bar
Located in Terminal 1, Concourse B,
Near Gate B19

This is my favorite bar in O’Hare, and since I’m based here, I consider myself an expert on the subject.  It’s completely off the beaten path at one end of the B concourse, around a corner that looks like a dead end –  but is actually a few more hidden gates where they used to house all the Ted flights back in the day.  This means that no one really is aware of its existence, and therefore you are almost always guaranteed a seat.  Unlike other jam-packed O’Hare “bars” that are really just liquor served inside some lame “concept” restaurant, this is a bar and nothing else.  But, if you want food, there is a little Chicago Hot Dog wagon right next to it.  Now this reflects the real Chicago, my friends!

It’s also in a sunny corner, so you feel almost happy as you look around at your fellow degenerate flying companions.  The only complaint I have is that the bartenders have to card everyone 100%, which is really just completely stupid – especially when you sit there and have to watch the poor bartender mumble, “ID, please” for the 4,000th time that day  – and the customer (who is usually around 60) freak out on him.  Over and over and over again.

One time there was a guy in another O’Hare bar (Anheuser-Busch Salutes the Graphic Arts Bar – RIP) who was literally like 85 years old and told the bartender that he was “85 dammit” and wasn’t “showing anything to anyone to drink a goddamn beer!” Now if an 85 year-old can’t get a beer when he wants one, there’s something wrong with that policy.  How about a little common sense?  He didn’t get his beer.

Anyway, if you’re ever flying United and have a layover in the B concourse, check it out.  It’s a little piece of weirdness in an otherwise sterile airport environment.

Pluses: Hidden, sunny, not crowded
Minuses: Stupid carding rules

A T-RATING® of 4 out of 5

Lordy Lordy, I’m Fucking Forty.

I celebrated my birthday in Las Vegas, which is a good place to forget about a bad birthday.  But, now I am home, lost a bunch of money, and my liver hurts again.

They say 40 is the new 30, but I know that’s just a bunch of crap.

I haven’t updated my Profile here on my blog – I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it quite yet.

No More Circus Animal Cookies!?

What?  First my net worth is half what it was two weeks ago – now Mother’s, makers of the delicious Animal Circus Cookies, is shutting its doors forever???  Say it ain’t so!  

These were my favorite cookies as a kid – I don’t even like sweets, but I have always loved these cookies.It might have something to do with the fact that they contain lard and are about 200 calories per ounce.  SO WHAT?  They are FUCKING GOOD!  Maybe Wells Fargo can come in and bail them out.   We need our Circus Animal Cookies now more than ever!

*sigh*  I think my childhood is officially dead.

France vs. US – it’s a Tie!

 

One of the fine hair dryers I came across in France.

One of the fine hair dryers I came across in France.

 

 

As you know, I just got back from a month in France, and although I have been to France before – being there for that amount of time made me realize a few things.  As with traveling to any foreign country, there are funny differences, albeit minor ones, that make you go hmmmm.  I’m not saying that one way is right, or one way is wrong… just different.  And, if you tally up my personal experiences, it seems that we are statisically tied – kind of like Obama and McCain!  Here’s what I learned:

THINGS WHERE FRANCE KICKS OUR ASS

  1. Food/Wine  Yes, it’s true what they say – the food in France is incredible.  Sure, I had some mediocre fare, but overall it was amazing.  I had a sole meunière that would literally make you cry in a tiny restaurant in Paris that was straight out of central casting.  I’m never going to order this dish again, as I know I will never find one as good as that one –  ever.  Oh, and the wine?  California wines are good, Italian wines are great, but France kicks all of our asses.  Sorry, but it’s true.
     
  2. Energy Conservation/Recycling  You know, as I made my way through France, I realized how really wasteful we are here in the US.  There were so many little things that are normal in France that would be thought of as revolutionary here as far as energy conservation goes.  Things like the fact that you have to use your hotel key card to turn on the lights in your room or that all the hallway lights are motion-activated.  I can only imagine how much money this saves the hotel with no a/c or lights on when guests are not there.  Also, everywhere we went I saw giant glass, paper and plastic recycling bins.  Not just at homes, but at restaurants and just on the street.  And, people actually use them! It’s not a joke like the “blue bag” fiasco here in Chicago a few years ago. (Google it.)  Plus, I saw tons of wind power generators and a few nuclear plants to boot.  We look archaic next to this.
     
  3. Flowers  I know that the French take their flowers and horticulture in general very seriously.  But, I was still amazed at the gorgeous flowers and plants available at the flower shops and markets.  I never saw a flower or plant that wasn’t just absolutely at its peak of beauty and perfect, no matter what town we were in.  Loving flowers as every good girl should, I thought it was very cool.
     
  4. Transportation  Yes, they have traffic jams just like everyone else, but overall I really noticed all the transportation options available in all the different places we went.  I took the TGV, the French supertrain that got us 450 miles in 2 1/2 hours.  It was clean, comfortable, and easy.  I took the metro in Paris, the new trams in Bordeaux and noticed the cool rental bikes in Paris, Toulouse, Bordeaux and Aix en Provence.  The bikes work like the luggage carts at the airport – you put some money in, take the bike and turn it in at your destination at one of over 100 different locations in the city – it works and it’s a great idea.

 

THINGS WHERE WE KICK FRANCE’S ASS

  1. Inane TV  I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but they have very serious TV in France.  It wasn’t a language problem, but it was rarely that I could find something on the main France TV stations that wasn’t some sort of roundtable discussion, news program, or documentary.  Yes, I saw their version of Big Brother, a couple of game shows and some Simpsons dubbed in French, but these were few and far between.  We do much better with our 10,0000 channels of crap – because sometimes you just need to watch some crap and not think so much.
     
  2. Hair Dryer Technology I’m not sure how French women get to look so stylish and polished with the absolutely horrible hair dryers they are given.  I can’t tell you how many different hair dryers I tried to use over the course of the month in the hotels that all had one thing in common:  They toally sucked! (or blow, as the case may be.)  They were either powerless, made in 1945, broken or, in one case, so strong I couldn’t use it (it was called the Jet 5000 – and it was!)  I’m not sure what the hell is going on there with the hair dryers, but something needs to be done and pronto!  Because of this, I look like Jerry Seinfeld in the “low flow” shower head episode in most of my vacation photos. (I don’t like the sound of that!)
     
  3. Cocktails  I don’t know if it is because they perfected the wine thing so long ago, they kind of gave up doing anything else in the liquor category.  I’m not talking about apertifs or digestifs – they’ve got that covered.  I am talking about the good old fashioned cocktail.  The French simply cannot make a decent cocktail.  And, it seems that cocktails are all the rage right now, as all bars and cafes seem to have extensive cocktail lists.  The problem is in the execution.  No free-pours (always a very exact, very miniscule 4cl), paltry ice (two cubes at most), warm mixers.  Plus, they’re damned expensive!  Check mark for us for the good old fashioned shit-facer cocktail!
     
  4. Ice I already touched on this above, but what up with the ice, F?  The French don’t like ice.  No ice in your water.  No ice in your soft drinks.  Limited ice in your cocktail.  No ice for sale at the store.  No ice buckets or ice machines.  Oh… wait.  They do like ice for one thing – order a bottle of champagne or rosé and watch all the ice that comes in the bucket! Maybe that’s what they’re saving it all for… 

Way to Alienate your Target Demographic, Gap!

It’s no secret that the Gap has been hemorrhaging money the past few years and seems to have no clear cut marketing plan.  Their quality has gone steadily downhill, while Old Navy siphons off what’s left of the old Gap demographic.  I haven’t shopped at the Gap for years, except for one thing: jeans.  Somehow they still have jeans that fit me and look good.  So, I was perusing the Gap website the other day looking for some new jeans, and I found this little ditty for the “curvy” jeans:

“Who needs perfect genes when you have fabulous jeans?”

Oh, I see.  Because I have “curves” (which is a nice way to say someone who has hips and an ass) I am not “perfect.”  What a clever play on words, size 0 copywriter! WTF?  Thanks a lot, Gap douchebags.  Like I don’t have enough problems with my hips and ass, I need you piling on?  Way to alienate the curvy crowd!  Way to not sell me some jeans!

Well, okay, I’ll probably buy them anyway.  Good looking jeans are good looking jeans. But I’m not happy about it. Fuckers.

Flight of the Conchords: She’s So Hot

 

Okay, I’ve been busy trying to catch up with work and stuff, so it’s just a little FoTC to tide ya over. 

Oh, I love this one because it is spot-on all the island music you see in the Caribbean.  Being is St. John a lot, I laughed like an idiot at this video as it looks and sounds like everything down there and the production values are about as good.  Is there any genre the Conchords can’t do?

For Beej!

Beaa or Moou?

 

Anyone who spends a lot of time overseas will tell you that the English TV pickins (thanks Gov. Palin!)  are slim to none for most European hotels.  Most of the hotels I stayed in over the last month in France only had one English station – CNN.  So,  after the novelty of trying to watch the French version of Wheel of Fortune wore off we watched CNN… a lot of CNN.

After watching countless hours of CNN while on the road, I noticed two things.  One, they have no programming.  We saw the same five pre-packaged stories over and over no matter what the hour, day, night, weekday or weekend.  It’s a fucking NEWS station – don’t you have news?  Don’t you have anything NEW to say about the NEWS?  Second, they have no advertising.  We literally saw about six commercials for the entire trip.  Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.  But, there was a silver lining.  I give it to you above.

This commercial played about four times per half hour. I found myself mesmerized by it… everything about it. At first it was trying to figure out what the hell it was for.  Okay, something about feta cheese – got it.  Then, it was trying to figure out what it meant.  Why is the guy a caveman with one eye?  Why is the one cow in a sheep costume? Why did he knock the milk over? Why is he embarrassed about it?  What the FUCK IS GOING ON????  

Then it was the details:  the bad computer animation, the strange editing, the red laser beam, the poor graphics – the overall oddness about it.  I was obsessed.   Every time I watched it, I would see something new. The song stuck in my head and I found myself humming it all day long.  My husband and I began to just randomly say “beaa” and “moou” during the day and giggle.  I looked forward to seeing it when we got back to the hotel each night.  I loved my beaa feta/moou feta – it was like a comforting friend in each new strange town we came to.

Then, it happened.

After being on about 10,000 times a day, suddenly it wasn’t on at all.  It was gone.  Totally gone! Where is my beaa feta/moou feta????   I was a beaa feta/moou feta junkie who had to quit cold turkey.  Each day I looked for it, but it was never to be seen again. I had serious withdrawal issues.  I got depressed.

Thank god for the internet.  After a lengthy search, I found their website and now have my beaa feta/moou feta forever!  Do what I did and just watch it about 10 times in a row – – I know you’ll get hooked.  

Now, can someone please tell me what the hell this ad is for?