Island Food: Conch Fritters Recipe


I love island food.  Mahi Sandwiches, Funghi, Pates, Johnny Cakes and of course, conch fritters.  If you ever have some extra conch lying around, well – now you know what to do with it.  These go particularly well with Painkillers.

Best place on St. John for Conch Fritters: Shipwreck Landing, Coral Bay


1 lb conch meat (You might get away with this recipe by using minced clams – but it won’t be the same)
1/2 large onion, chopped
2 stalks celery
1/2  tsp. red pepper
1/2 cup green pepper, chopped
Salt to taste
1 egg
1/3 cup self rising cornmeal
1/3 cup flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1/4 cup buttermilk
1/4 tsp hot sauce (or to taste)

Put conch through food grinder or food processor.  Process with onion, celery, red and green pepper and mix with conch, adding salt and egg.  Mix well.  Mix together cornmeal, flour and baking powder.  Add conch mixture.  Mixture should be thick.  Add buttermilk and hot sauce.  Drop by heaping tablespoon into deep oil until light brown. Drain.  Serve with dipping sauce of mayonnaise, hot sauce and fresh lime juice.

Superbowl Munchies: The Bacon Explosion


Since there is a chicken wing shortage this weekend, here is another heart-stopping alternative to serve at your Superbowl Party this weekend – The Bacon Explosion.  Yes, this is bacon wrapped around Italian sausage and grilled. Oh, and more bacon on the inside. It is over 5,000 calories and 500 grams of fat.  Now, that’s good eatin’!  

Frankly this picture makes me want to become a vegan and join PETA, but I have a feeling that this will be quite popular since we are a country of  gluttonous fat-ass slobs.  You know some asshole will put melted cheese on it or something.

Here is the recipe.  Enjoy!

Thanks, John!

The Dinner Party


by Tiffany

Chapter 1:
Cook everything from scratch, including making chicken stock from actual chickens.  This takes almost 3 days. 

Chapter 2:
Spend an hour setting the table correctly, as well as using the wedding china that never, ever gets used.  Arrange fresh flowers for the centerpiece.

Chapter 3: 
Pick out fine wines to go with each course.

Chapter 4:
The Guests arrive!

Chapter 5:
Everyone gets completely drunk – including me –  and I forget about things going in and coming out of the oven. 

Chapter 6:
Food not as good as is should be, but everyone is drunk and no one cares. 

Chapter 7:
Guests don’t leave until 2am.  



Dinner Party Menu for 8
January 24, 2009

Marinated Anitpasto, Assorted Italian Meats and Cheeses 

First Course:
Minestrone Soup

Second Course: 
Caesar Salad Vinaigrette

Third Course:
Lasagne Bolognese with Spinach

Fourth Course:

Drinks Consumed:  
3 bottles of Prosecco,
9 bottles of Italian Red (yes, you read that right.)
Assorted Cocktails & Beers 


A Man After My Own Heart


Well, he was –  until I realized that I don’t think he likes girls.  Or anybody, really.  I think his one and only love is Macaroni & Cheese.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

When I was flat broke and living downtown by myself, I used to be too poor for the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.  I remember I used to have to buy the TownHouse brand, which really tasted like crap compared to the one-and-only blue box.  But, the TownHouse was like 35 cents per box while the Kraft was like 75 cents,  and when you’re literally buying a weeks worth of groceries with $10 it makes a difference.

Also, what up with people who make their Kraft Macaroni & Cheese all soupy?  Follow the goddamn directions – it’s only a 1/4 cup of milk!  It’s not fucking soup – it’s Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner!  They paid a boatload of Macaroni & Cheese scientists a bunch of money to come up with the perfect butter & milk ratio for their powdered bliss, and the least you could do is follow the recipe on the box, okay? And, while I’m on the subject – don’t buy the stupid shapes and stuff.  Scooby Doo?  Dinosaurs?  SpongeBob SquarePants?  No, no and no.  Only the original elbow Mac & Cheese is the correct Mac & Cheese.  Got it?

I wonder if this dweeb has a TownHouse brand box?  And, does he eat all this Macaroni & Cheese? If I did, I would weigh about 500 lbs.

 Yes, I’m jealous.

Behold the Woodchuck!


This single dish may have been the one that started me on my obsession with vintage recipes.  This is the famous Woodchuck that my Mother-in-Law makes every Christmas morning at her yearly Christmas breakfast.  Okay, yes  – it does kind of look like someone threw up after drinking too much white zinfandel after a hard-boiled egg eating contest, but I promise you –  it really does taste wonderful.  It’s my favorite thing she makes on Christmas besides her cookies, but that’s for another day.

What is in this?  Actually, I don’t really know.  I have tried looking for a recipe for it and have never found anything called “woodchuck” that is even remotely close to this.  I know it has hard boiled eggs, green pepper, pimento, canned mushrooms, tomato soup and maybe butter or cream.  You pour it over store-bought toasted bread things that I have never seen any store I’ve ever been in, so I don’t know what the hell they are.  All I know is I love the damn woodchuck!

If anyone recognizes this dish, please let me know what is is in the comments as I am on a quest to find out where it is from.  My Mother-in-Law has been making it forever from a recipe jotted on an index card and can’t remember where she got it.


The Suckage of Allen Brothers Steaks


No… not the steaks – their meat is beyond fantastic.  What sucks is their crappy customer service reps – who have now fucked us over for the holidays not once – but twice.  For the past two years we have ordered Allen Brothers Steaks for my in-laws for Chirstmas – and for the past two years Allen Brothers has failed to deliver the goddamn steaks in time for Christmas for no apparent reason other than their own incompetence. 

Last year after the steaks failed to show up as planned five days before Chirstmas, we called  customer service and found out that although they had a record of the order leaving the warehouse, somehow it was eternally on a FedEx truck and never delivered – even after five days of calling.  Um, we live in Chicago, where Allen Brothers is located.  It does not take five days to get from Chicago to Chicago (well, unless you’re the Post Office, but that’s another story…)  Each day they would tell us it was on the truck “out for delivery,” and each day nothing showed up.  After a week, they finally conceded that perhaps the steaks were not “out for delivery” and sent out new steaks.  Problem solved, although we looked like the assholes who got nothing for our parents for Christmas in front of the entire family, but oh, well.  Anyone can have a snafu, right?

This year we were suckers again and ordered more steaks to be delivered to my in-laws.  (Yes, I know – but they are that good….) On Christmas morning we trek over to my in-laws’ house to open presents.  It is then that we realize that the steaks have failed to show up once again.  They were scheduled to arrive on the 23rd.  Again, we look like idiots to the rest of the family.  One of them asked my why we keep ordering from them if they keep forgetting to actually deliver the order on time.  Good fucking question!  My husband calls this morning and the very uninterested CSR looks up the order and says that – oops – they forgot to send it out.  That was the entire sum of the explanation on where the steaks were.  No apologies, no offers to make it right.  They just forgot to ship it.  WTF?

Well, I think I will forget to order from them again any time soon.  If you order from them, just know that their delivery is crappy, and the Customer Service reps don’t give a shit.  But, those steaks are damn good!  Curse you, Allen Brothers!

Christmas Eve Menu

Well, I am the lucky one again this year and get to make Christmas Eve Dinner for 19.  I actually like doing the Christmas Eve thing because it’s not a set menu like Thanksgiving – so you have a little leeway in your choices.  This year, in addition to roast beef, I am going to make a 4 lb. Beef Wellington.  No, I have never made a Beef Wellington before and it does make me a little nervous to screw up a $200 piece of meat.  I am the worst baker in the world, so I will be using a store-bought puff pastry.  Not Pepperidge Farm, however – as it is full of trans-fats and preservatives and such.  I am using the Dufour brand, which is pure flour and butter. (You can get it at Whole Foods in the freezer section.)

Here is the Menu for this year:

Beef Wellington with Wine Reduction Sauce
Roast Beef  with Horseradish Sauce
Roasted Red Potatoes with Herbs
Honey Glazed Carrots 
Sandy Salad (a salad made by my friend Sandy that we all love)
Parkerhouse Rolls
Warm Sour Cherry Crisp with French Vanilla Ice Cream 

Lord knows I always have some sort of kitchen disaster, so let’s hope people drink enough wine to not notice whatever it is.

Vintage Cookbook Centerfold of the Week


These are some beautiful breasts!

Now that I got your attention, you know that I mean chicken breasts.  Technically, Chicken Breasts Jeannette from the Gourmet Menu Cookbook circa 1969.  Poached chicken, fois gras, chaud froid blanc (fancy word for milky jello sauce) and truffles.  And, of course, you set the whole thing on top of a bed of unflavored gelatin.

This dish is said to only be served at high-end functions such as weddings, anniversaries and dinner parties.  Oh, and at the vomitorium.

Vintage Cookbook Centerfold of the Week

This li’l lady appears in the 1960 General Foods Kitchens Cookbook, and frankly, she’s scaring the hell out of me!  She looks as if she’s had some sort of lobotomy and is laughing hysterically at her frightening meal of, um…  What’s up with those brains on a plat…. oh, wait.  That’s spaghetti.  I can see the directions say to boil the pasta for at least 2 hours until thoroughly cooked.  And obviously this must be a picture of the famous Spaghetti and Meatpucks recipe… Meatballs are so 50s.

And, as anyone with a lobotomy will tell you – nothing goes better with Spaghetti and Meatpucks than canned Veg-All and vanilla pudding.  

You so know she’s going to lick that hot grease when she’s done maniacally laughing.